Initial thoughts

It was midnight. Suddenly I experienced a gentle breeze of peace inside myself. I told myself, "Is it real or nothing but hallucination?". "Maybe", said my mind.

My teenage son was still expressing his grudge against society. He was telling, how his classmate, a lively girl, was forgotten within two days of her suicide. The unfortunate girl was a brilliant student but was doubted to be a cheater during test examination of ICSE in a much-hyped school of North Kolkata.

He was continuing, "You said, the young generation is residing too much in depression. Yes, that is right. We are always depressed. We are depressed because we see no hope in this world. So we love computer games. So we are becoming addicted to PubG. We hate this world. So some of us commit suicide." Incomplete ICSC and CBSE results were out. His cousin got good marks in ICSC. The examination was incomplete, due to Covid-19 lockdown and examination of the main four subjects including Math couldn't be conducted. Still, results were out, because guardians wanted it. He was continuing, "If I could sit in the exam, I am sure, I would get excellent marks. But I have no regret. I am happy, what I am. I shall build my own future."

My son was supposed to sit this exam last year, but he was sick. When I was taking the transfer certificate from that much-hyped school, one of the officials said, "Why are you doing this during last moment. Please force your son to sit in the exam and we assure he will pass in flying colours." I only looked at the person patiently and told nothing but taking the transfer certificate. At least we were able to save our son from a possible scam followed by another suicide.

He was still shouting, "I hate this education system. I hate this society. Every day, helpless women of varied ages are brutally raped and murdered, but nobody protest. Nobody is willing to give justice to this rotten society. Even you are trying to stop me telling these, as you are feeling pain inside for those helpless victims. Why, oh why, please tell me now! Damn your soft heart, which cannot protest."

He was correct. I cannot bear with brutality and violence. I feel deep pain inside even reading such incidences. Same is true for my wife also. He was still trying to tell him something without any success. I thought, as the head of my family, I first try to save myself from this deep pain. Although it was very odd looking behaviour, and even inappropriate to many, I sat straight on the bed with the leg crossed and tried to be aware of my breathing.

I was completely flooded with deep pain both inside and outside. I could feel the pain flowing vigorously in my mind. I wasn't sure how much time I spent in this way. It might be two minutes or twenty minutes. The only sense of life was my breaths, the subtle flow of oxygen to each cell of my body and carbon dioxide or other unwanted staffs from them. Suddenly, I feel an emptiness within my mind and body. The pain was still there, but it stopped hurting me like before. A gentle abstract sense of calmness was appearing inside. I asked myself, "Am I hallucinating?", but got no absolute answer from inside.

Psychologists say, our thoughts are mostly expressed inside our mind using the language which we often speak. I always have doubts about this idea. If this is true, then how does a deaf and dumb person think? I always searched, if there is a universal language of feelings and thoughts inside us. Even, many times I tried to feel how thought was appearing in our mind. I searched for their source and where they would disappear after some time. Are they living in the deepest parts of our memory, like some blind marine creatures live inside Mariana Trench, the deepest surface of Earth?

Some feelings just appeared on the surface of my mind and telling me of "desire" without saying anything. Yes, it was that, as if I found a fix for a complex software bug in my current project! It was the desire of having good things in our lives, although we don't know what is good or bad.

I opened my eyes and placed my hand affectionately on my son's head and legs. I told him nothing. After a while, he was overcoming his frustration.

You know, what's the most beautiful part of a journey? It's the journey itself, not the destination.